Thank you

I often think about my life and how fortunate and truly blessed I am. I have everything. I grew up with amazing parents. Kathy and Dan. They have been through hell and back with me. I wasn't an easy kid to tame growing up. I got anything and everything, I was the definition of being spoiled. Me and my brother didn't always get along growing up. He'd push me down the stairs, I'd hit him in the head with a metal shovel (accidentally, really!). We were always competing with one another. My grandma... I know she's looking down on me, was the rock of our family. She knew how to make you smile, make you laugh, and put you in your place! My uncle mike... My guardian angel, my hero. By far the most patient, genuine man you could have ever met. He was the best support system, encouraging in every way. He was the one I could talk to through any problem, any situation and make you feel like everythings going to be ok. This is a thank you to my Father, Dan, who put up a good fight with me growing up and taught me that life isn't about 'things' and no I shouldn't get my way all the time... Most of the time, but not all :). to my mother, Kathy, who's given me a strong work ethic, to be independent, to love with all you have. to my brother, Michael, who's taught me not to be selfish, taught me that he will always be there for me no matter what. to my grandma, Anna Marie, for teaching me that life is worth living, live your dreams, don't just dream. To my uncle, Mike, for teaching me that life is too short, never burn bridges, to not only love, give love, spread love, because you have a big enough heart that should be shared with the world. Thank you, you all are my world, my life, and proud to say, my family.

All I know...

My biological mother was 14 when she gave birth to me. Back then, if the first born was a girl they were to be killed. How did she carry me an entire pregnancy and put me up for adoption? She saved my life. I have an incredible life. Because of her, and because of my parents, my family. I don't know anything about my biological father. Was she raped? Was she a prostitute? Am I going to bring back horrific memories?

100 questions

I wonder if I look like her, I wonder if she remembers me... What happened? Does she think about me? Is she alive? Will she want to meet me? Has she tried looking for me? Am I all to her is a bad memory? Does she know my father? Do I have other siblings? Does she know I'm ok? Does she care? How is she living? How do I find her? Where do I even start? Is this the right thing to do? Am I going to be disappointed? I wonder if she's small like me. How come I'm so little? I wonder if she'll be happy I'm looking for her? I wonder if she'll ask why it took so long? How will we communicate? Do I have to learn Korean? I'll just get a translator. Will she hug me? Does she love me even though we never met? Will she grow to love me? Will she resent me?

change of heart

i met a very sweet man, not sure how we got on the topic, but he mentioned he would be able to help find my biological mother, if at all possible. he was south korean as well and said he and a friend helped find a couple others birth parents due to the connections they have. not really ever thinking of finding my biological mother, this kind of sparked some interest.

after meeting this man, i didn't think too much into it, but went home and told my boyfriend and he was really excited and extremely supportive, and that got me a little more excited. i ended up not hearing from the guy i met, so i kind of forgot about the whole thing.

i ended up telling a client about the guy i met and how he wanted to help, she told me to read this book called 'Secret Daughter'. I did, and couldn't put it down. It was really an inspiring book. That made me even more antsy to start the search for my biological mother.

after a while, i ended up hearing from the man who wanted to help, and wanted me to email him over my birth certificate and any adoption papers i had. i told my parents about everything and i was a little sketchy on sending all of that stuff over to a complete stranger. they agreed and told me if i really wanted to, they would be more than happy to help.

i didn't end up emailing the guy back at all and kind of lost interest in the whole journey.

me and ryan recently watched a movie called 'Aftershock' and that really got me interested again.

i'm not even sure where to start, but i have a million thoughts racing through my mind thinking about this and i figure this is a huge, possibly life changing experience, why not share it with everyone?

i just don't care

my parents would always give me and my brother gifts for birthdays and holidays, which would always include something to do with our korean background. year after year i would roll my eyes and think to myself 'ugh another dumb gift on korea'. that probably sounds terrible, but i just didn't care about where i came from, how i got there, who i left behind. i had an amazing life, an amazing upbringing, what more do i need?