I ended up calling Sue from Luthern Social Services and finding out information about my once upon a time. She briefed me on the email she had read and even then, my heart sank. She forwarded me the email she received from Korea and reminded me that if I needed anything, I could call her at any time.
I found myself in a state of devestation. I found myself feeling guilty. I couldn't stop crying and rereading the email over and over and over, I almost had it memorized.
I thank everyday for Ryan in my life, he is my rock, and although he doesn't deal well with emotion, he made me feel at ease and reminded me that it wasn't my fault and just held me while I cried. I, of course, called my mom right away to tell her the news and I couldn't even read her the email, the tears came out like a leaky faucet, so Ryan had to do it. I talked to my mom for a while about it and it makes me thankful everyday for my life. My mother is my absolute world, moms always know best right? Well this woman does! Everything she said made sense, she gave me guidance, she gave me comfort, she gave me life. This woman is my only mother, she knows me, she gets me. I then had to tell my brother. This was his response:
'And you know why
I'm against abortions and
pro adoptions besides
obviously being adopted.
You never know what
you're giving up. If this
woman was pro abortion, I
wouldn't have a sister so
I'm glad there are many
people that think like me.'
Coming from the kid who pushed me down the stairs, the kid who told the priest at confessional he hates his sister. I was a mess. This is something I will never forget, words that will never leave my heart, a text from my brother that meant more to me than anything in the world.
Ryan had to go do a measurement for work and I didn't have any energy to go with, so I stayed home and fell asleep. As I woke up, it was like everything was a dream. I grabbed my iPad right away just to check to see if it was real, and it sure was. Ryan got home shortly after with a beautiful bouquet of roses and an incredibly sweet handwritten card and dinner for us.
I ended up calling my clients I had scheduled for Friday and rescheduling them. I just couldn't bring myself to work, or do anything. I had a billion thoughts going through my mind and they wouldn't stop. I'm incredibly thankful I have such an understanding and loyal clientele. I think most knew something had happened with my search.
I went to work on Saturday and people would ask me about it, and I couldn't bring myself to tell anyone. I felt ashamed, embarrassed. I was holding back tears all day, that I couldn't wait to just come home and crawl in bed.
I'd like to share my letter with you, exactly how I received it, nothing changed.
'Dear Sue
I hope this email finds you well.
I am sending this very reply as I need time to think if I provide you and Yeon Sil with the additional information, the adoption background is very sensitive. I think I need your agency help to think and decide to release the information to Yeon Sil.
The birth mother was born in Seoul and had grown up in Kyeongsangnamdo. She was the only child in her family. She was quiet and passive person. She had fair skin and was good looking. She was in the 1st grade in high school. Her actual age was 17, but registered as 19 by mistake. She was Christian, had no family medical history.
There was no information about the birth father at all.
While the birth mother was on her back home from school late at night, she was faced with one guy and had relationship with him by force. She had not recognized her conception unitl 6 months. She was too afraid to tell to her mother, she became to give birth to.
The birth clinic director introduced her our agency.
While she was pregnant, she did not see a doctor nor took medicine.
It was 10-month full term delivery. The baby weighed 2.8kg and was healthy.
With this case, it is very delicate and careful to approach to the birth mother through our experience.
Could you check with Yeon Sil if she still hopes to find the birth mother?
We really appreciate for your assistance for the families.'
After opening up to more and more and being able to talk about it, I came across someone so inspiring who I was excited to tell. My client/friend Tracey. She opened her heart to adopting two children. We talked about options, about her children, about all the positives, she has showed me blogs and articles on adoptees finding their families, just absolutely inspiring. I can't thank you enough Tracey!
The big question is, am I going to continue?
The way I look at it is, I have an absolutely amazing life. Everyone in my life has touched me in some way and made me who I am. The only thing I can do from this experience is gain. I may not be prepared for such an emotional journey, but with the support I have, what do I have to lose? Absolutely nothing.
